You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
cats when you pet them too long:
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…