You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.