The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
You Might Also Like
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?