You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.

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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.


Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.


*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion


Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.


Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts


Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.


It’s time this new baby of yours pulled her weight around here. She’s been freeloading for what? two weeks now?