The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
the three genders
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.