I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
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Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray
I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.