@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

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@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@FuniBob

I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@GreyDeLisle

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.