Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
There’s always that one guy
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*