“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso