You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?