I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL