@dumbbeezie

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

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@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

@AlexvanBeek

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

@BruceForce

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

@Megatronic13

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

@Mr_Kapowski

– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?