You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You Might Also Like
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle