They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???