Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out