You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I only treason on days ending in y
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.