you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Camping tip: No.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.