You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’


In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.


The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.


[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee


7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist


[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*


Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok


Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.


Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”