@shegotagronk

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

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@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@UnFitz

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

@suntzufuntzu

The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.

@TheToddWilliams

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

@sadengels

7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist

@87bidi

[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*

@Karate_Horse

Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok

@ABurgerADay

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”