supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist
[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*
Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”