@shegotagronk

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

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@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@sonictyrant

I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.

Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”

@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@AbbieEvansXO

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@HomeWithPeanut

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”