Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
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Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…
Cut to kid opening lunch box
temp agency: can you do retail
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.