@ozzyunc

You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]

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@Papa_Mex

Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@GoldenSpirals

I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

@mommajessiec

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask