Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….
You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
I hate when I buy new shoes,
and I have to learn to drive all over again.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it
Wait couldn’t I just put the che
Mother of god
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Give me your water, Human!