You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]

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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?


“The Ugly Duckling” has a great message.

Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.


My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…


I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules


How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.

How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.


A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows


7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials


Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear


Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.


You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.