ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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No one told me my life would become so much googling it
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I need to get some bricks…
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.