you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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I’m being attacked 😭
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.