Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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#Caturday
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Put this video in the Louvre
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.