you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers