Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
This rocks
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind