“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.