“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*gets down on one knee*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son