You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas