@Home_Halfway

You’re telling me a home made this meal

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@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@BlotterMonkey

Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”

@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

@matsmoustache

I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.

There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.

I call bullshit.

@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

@ItsSamG

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

@Fickle_Filly

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.