If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
You’re telling me a home made this meal
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
this has to be peak English
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.