@Home_Halfway

You’re telling me a home made this meal

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@NYC_Blonde

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

@roxiqt

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

@TheAndrewNadeau

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

@AnniemuMary

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

@BrettDruck

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.