You’re telling me a home made this meal

You Might Also Like


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”


A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.



I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.

There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.

I call bullshit.


A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.


Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows


Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*


I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.