everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
You Might Also Like
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro