@Duke1173

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

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@Phoebetate

Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead

@sammyrhodes

“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”

@DannyEarl

Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.

Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@DaddyJew

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor