Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
You Might Also Like
“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”
Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.
Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor