You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

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“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”


teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine


If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.


put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.


Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.


Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.


You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)


What do we want?

An endless supply of milk

When do we want it?



I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me


That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?