@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

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@ibid78

“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”

@junejuly12

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.

@koalaslament

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@DaHess1

Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.

@Six_Pack_Mom

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

@MafiaJoker78

What do we want?

An endless supply of milk

When do we want it?

Cow

@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?