“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
when nothing goes right… go left
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.