Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
same energy
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea