You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what