Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!