You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…

Just kidding, I have to go to work.

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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


[Desert island]
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats


All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news


007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*


*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever


I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.



If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.