Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…
Just kidding, I have to go to work.
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.
Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”
If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.