Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
a badder mouse
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.