@Scdavis24

You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…

Just kidding, I have to go to work.

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@Cycloptomese

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@InternetHippo

All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news

@_elvishpresley_

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

@_SoulCoffee

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

@LackOfShame

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

@1followernodad

When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.

Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”

@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.