Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio