You’re the she to my nanigans.

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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me


Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”


Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*


What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on


[therapists office]
my wife: i have a fear of giants
me: she has f-
marriage counsellor:
my wife: don’t you dare say it
me: Feefiphobia


mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs


Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”


Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.


Things you have done this year that irritated me.
-An anthology.


Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn