@_SetTheHook_

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

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@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@GroovyTasia

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

@nowarranty

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

@CourtneyBale

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@GrantTanaka

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

@SkippyMcGizzard

My cat is like a jealous lover. She’s like, “Let me smell you first before you touch me. Where have you been?”

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.

@ZachWeiner

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.