You’re the unreachable booger of people.

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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911


I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.


If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.


An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs


2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.


[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there


My cat is like a jealous lover. She’s like, “Let me smell you first before you touch me. Where have you been?”


When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.


It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.