serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?