**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.