@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

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@pissrifle

good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@Brampersandon_

[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant

@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@skittle624

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

@iamburtjarvis

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

@Smooheed

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@Tmoney68

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.