good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude’s blood/bones
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.