WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
A ghost story
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.