@murrman5

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

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@GorillaNipples1

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@GrantTanaka

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

@MdUNH

Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@Piecezilla

[slowly backing away] why do you know what shooting fish in a barrel is like?

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

@Sanbel11

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

@rotten_mama

Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that