“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.