@GingerHotDish

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

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@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

@LeBearGirdle

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

@Lisabug74

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

@mrtiredeyes

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

@KentWGraham

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

@BigJDubz

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@ItsDanSheehan

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone