I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
me: [puts bounty on her]
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone