You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.