“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Was it something I said?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym