cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.