You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.