YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You Might Also Like
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Start the year as you intend to continue.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When you kidnap a writer.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*