Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Sex so good you see dead people.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice