Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.