Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.