YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Sticker placement is key.