@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

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@TheBoydP

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

@underchilde

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@lazerdoov

Me with a mouth full of chips: Oh man my gym is closed

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.