JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.