@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

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@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

@BucMarvin

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@WistfulBlue

When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you’re not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.

@assfro

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.