youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
What the dentist sees
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out